Mother's Day

Mother's Day.

As a child I always enjoyed showing my mother how much I loved her. As a teenager I used it as a way to put aside whatever irritation I was feeling with her. As an adult I use it to reconnect with her and recognize just how amazing of a woman, mother, minister and person she is.

I also have watched my sister fight through incredible odds as a mother - in so many different ways. And when I say fight, I mean it. Nothing has ever been easy for her, and she's done her best - even when she didn't know what her best was - to care for her children. I have learned from her what it can mean to push through struggles in order to finally find the life you always wanted to provide for your children.

Now that I am a mother, I find Mother's Day takes on a whole new meaning. I look at this day and I say, "Wow... I'm so glad this day exists." It feels nice to know that on this one day, millions of mothers are being recognized, loved, supported and showered with sweet little handprint crafts. I'm not saying I don't feel recognized, loved, or supported as a mother in general, but being a mother is hard, hard work and it's nice to know there is a day set aside for those who do this work.

I also understand the pain many feel on this day. I know that there are many who have lost their own mothers, those who have lost children, those who have been longing for a child of their own. I hold a special place in my heart for them today. It cannot be easy.

While I celebrate the joyous responsibility of motherhood, I think about what I want for my children. There are so many things. Most of them huge, almost unattainable goals - a world where the rights of the little man outweigh the rights of the big corporation - a world where protecting the earth is a concern for all, a world where people can feel safe, where we choose love over hate, and a world where no one would bat an eye at an openly gay man being drafted into the NFL.

I also wish for fulfilling relationships, confidence, strength to do what is right even in the face of adversity, some sweet pets to share their journey, and as many trips to Disney World as I can afford to give them.

When I see what I wish for them, I see just how much I, as a mother, play a role in all of that. I can help them on the path to those personal goals. And I can do my part to work for the world I hope they can grow up in.

Being a mother is no small thing. It can be stressful, exhausting, frustrating, confusing and angering. It is always beautiful, incredible, amazing, rewarding and full of a love that has no way to describe it other than one simple word:

Mom.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful, strong women out there. Enjoy it.

Caring for me

So I'm sitting here in my bed coming to a profound conclusion. It's big and I'm afraid of it.
But I'm getting there. It's a long and complicated story - wandering through this will probably be a train wreck for everyone but me because it's just a rambling series of thoughts. But that's that.

I've always been a casual over stylish type of person. I enjoy getting all fancy once in a while for a night out or a chic event and I put on a skirt or casual dress for church but in reality I''ll choose yoga pants and an old t shirt every damn time.

I think I have ok self image. Not great but not bad. I also think I'm pretty good at seeing my flaws and weaknesses, acknowledging them, and moving on. I'm also good at seeing my talents and my gifts, acknowledging them, and using them in my life. I don't hate myself, but I probably could love myself a little more. I find myself sometimes anxious when my husband looks at me naked because he usually has one of those looks on his face that tells me he thinks I'm sexy and I think I find that bothersome because I don't think I should be sexy. I do however know that I have some good looking features and I like that about myself.

So...again...

Tonight I'm sitting in my bed and I'm thinking. Thinking about how I spent a day doing something I did not particularly enjoy (car show with the husband) because I wanted our family to do something my husband was excited about. I supported him and I felt good about it.

He's an amazing guy and he knew that I went for him and for no other reason. So after the car show, he took me to the mall to buy me the denim jacket I've been wanting forever.

I got to shop. Not forever, and not without budget, but I got to shop for me and for me alone. I got to pick out what I wanted. I even got two shirts too.

We did get some things for my husband and looked at things for our daughter, but only after I'd picked out and paid for what I wanted to get.
That was an amazing feeling.

And that feeling set off something inside of me. Something I've been feeling brewing within me for a while but wasn't really gonna put out there.

See, that whole yoga pants and old tshirt thing was starting to get to me. In truth, I don't mind wearing things like that because I don't care what people think of me. I don't care if they think I'm a slob or lazy or if I don't take good care of myself. They're comfy and I don't worry about whether I get soaked during my daughter's bath time or if I get covered in whichever mess comes with having an active toddler.

But then....

But then there's the realization that I found myself wanting to pick out shirts that were NOT old t-shirts. And wanting to find some jean shorts. And wondering which of my pre baby clothes I might fit into. And I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, I did care.

Not about what people thought of me, but what I thought of me.

I'm sitting here on my bed thinking and I'm astounded at what I am thinking. I went shopping for something I wanted. I came home. I dyed my hair. I gave myself a pedicure. And I started a new book.

I am thinking that I can't even remember the last time I took care of myself like this.

And I don't want to be a gym shorts wearing, messy looking, tired feeling person anymore.

I'm not saying I'm going to start wearing makeup everyday. Ha! Yeah, right. I won't. And I'm not saying suddenly I'm going to be a fashionista because I'm so clueless when it comes to putting together cute looks. And honestly there are still lots of messes and goo and splashes of water in my future. But maybe when I go to the mall I'll buy shirts that are nice, fitted t-shirts in bright and happy colours instead of whatever navy standard issue men's shirt I was given from whatever event I was in. (Like I did today!) And maybe I'll look into treating myself more often.

I'm usually so exhausted that at the end of the day, my equally (or more) exhausted husband and I just watch tv. And that's fine. It's entertaining and takes the edge off the day. But when you do the same thing all the time it's not a treat anymore. It's not special. It's just... The same.

I'm realizing I want to be a little different. A little more cared for. By me, by others. And I'm gonna open myself up to it. I'm gonna love that my husband finds me sexy. And I'm gonna celebrate me. And I'm gonna love me. And let others do the same.

I'm gonna let myself feel worth more.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still a jeans and t shirt kinda gal. But maybe they'll be cute jeans and a nice t shirt. And I'm not saying that we have to look a certain way to be happy, or anything. I'm just saying that for me, I want to invest a little more in me.
It's scary because I'm breaking a little away from me. From the me I knew. And it's profound because this was never going to happen to me or be me. I was never going to be that girl. And here I am.

I firmly believe that we change - a lot - in our lifetimes. That God does all sorts of stuff with us and through us and to us and we become all sorts of versions of us over the years.

So I guess this is just the next version of me. Emmie 4.0 or whatever.

It's gonna take some time to get used to it and not everyone will like it. Maybe not even me at first. Everyone freaks out when Facebook changes... Imagine when your one friend you could always depend on to look worse than you shows up looking nice once? The world might end!

But there you have it. The crazy ramblings of my brain. I'm gonna be a little more of the new me. And I'm gonna start now.

I painted my toes light pink. :)

~Emmie

One More Year

I've taken a nice long break from blogging to enjoy the holidays with my family.  My husband turned 30, we had Thanksgiving, my daughter turned 1, we went on vacation to North Carolina to see my parents, we had Christmas, we came home, we had new years, I turned 29 and now it's back to the real world. 

November 20- January 5 are constant craziness around here with all of our birthdays and holidays that get squashed into such a short amount of time. 

Many of these holidays have caused me to look back and reflect on what this last year has brought to me.  It's been a remarkable year, in truth.  Here are some of my reflections:

Reflections On Being a Mother for a Whole Year:

• I know how I lucky I am to have such a well behaved child.  Really, I do.  Don't think I don't.  I'm terrified to have another child because I'm pretty sure that karma will get back at me with some horrible child that never sleeps and screams constantly and poops like 20 times a day.
• I sometimes still feel mommy-guilt for not being able to breastfeed.  But when I look at my daughter, I can't believe how wrong I was for being one of those that judged formula-feeders in the past.  She is thriving and happy and healthy and whip-smart.  Not all who formula feed are lazy, give up too soon, or care more about the look of their boobs than their children.  There still are women who do those things, but hey... not all do.  And I'm ok with that. 
• It's amazing how much you can actually hate being a mom, while still loving it.  When P turned one, my husband asked me how the year has been - I said, "Frustrating, exhausting, annoying, confusing, bothersome, scary and amazingly beautiful."  Truth.
• Baby clothes are crazy.  My daughter's got more clothes than me, and I still go through them so fast.  I get so tired of the same old clothes because she wears like 10 outfits a day, what with eating and making messes and all that.  Seriously.  Baby laundry never ends.
• I LOVE cloth diapering and honestly don't understand how people use paper diapers.  I mean, seriously.  (Hi, I'm judging here, I know... well, ok, not really because I CAN understand how people use them.  But I could never use them because I have different desires and I don't really mind poop.)  Aside from being so freaking adorable, they also have no chemicals in them (hey, awesome!) and don't have potentially harmful side effects for your children.  (ok... a little bit of judgment there, again.)
• Oh yeah, one other thing - my daughter has NEVER had a diaper rash - I consider that a huge accomplishment so far in her 13+ months of life.
• My house is messier and dirtier than ever, but it isn't bothering me as much anymore.
• I don't know who came up with this idea of 'first time mom-isms' but I definitely don't get it.  I carry a huge diaper bag because cloth diapers are huge.  But seriously, there's a lot about my kid that I just let slide.  Like, my kid eats all sorts of crap that she finds.  She's eaten garden fertilizer.  (oops.... don't worry, she was fine)... and bugs... and dirt... and cat food....She's fallen off of beds, and sofas, and down a step onto a tile floor.  I laugh and laugh when my husband flips her around and tosses her high in the air - she loves it, so do I.  I trust him with her... so meh.  I guess I'm just not all crazy protective freaky mom.  I thought I was supposed to be with the first kid?  Or maybe I just know how I turned out, and hey, I kinda like me so.... yeah.
• When you're a mom all you want to do is make your child love the same stuff you love and do the same things you do.  Like, "YOU WILL LIKE FOOTBALL!"  and "YOU WILL LOVE CHRISTMAS!".  Ok, if she doesn't I totally will be heartbroken.  Don't take away my dreams.  But in the end I will admit to myself that she is her own person and it is my job to help her make intelligent, thoughtful and faithful decisions about who she is and what she wants to be. 
• It is totally impossible to NOT compare your child to other children.  Developmental milestones, habits and skills are all up for comparison.  Try not to do it... but you'll probably fail.  Just remember that it's ok, and kids grow as they need.
• I've found some pretty groovy parenting 'styles' that I really feel are the best ways to parent a child, and I'm noticing how at odds I am with much of the world for that.  I am so glad I have technology around these days, because I can find support networks of people that live around the world, encouraging me and supporting me in my decisions.  That's powerful.

Parenting is a lot of fun.  It really is.  It's also crazy hard and exhausting.  But you know what?  It's worth it - 100%.  And I wouldn't change it for anything.


Reflections On The Beginning of 2014: 
I'm not a fan of New Year Resolutions, but I do usually like to re-evaluate some goals around this time of year and find out whether I want to keep pursuing those goals, or shelve them for new ones.  I don't like calling them resolutions because, I dunno, it just seems like those are things you want to 'do', not things you want to specifically work towards as a whole person (for instance, instead of losing weight, I want to live a healthier lifestyle on the whole and reduce the amount of processed and altered foods in my diet).  They're also not things that just apply to this year, but forever.  So along with that healthy me one, here are some other things I want to have as goals in my life. 

I want to Love people more.  As a verb.  I want to write more cards, show up to more events, reach out, volunteer, hug and smile and more people.  I want to use better manners and always say please, thank you and you're welcome.  I want to read more books and grow my vocabulary.  I want to put more effort and concentration into what I do, including my work.  I want to be a better wife to my husband and be less argumentative.  I want to slow down and appreciate what I have, for I have been genuinely blessed.  I want to grow my faith more and live more within a deep relationship with God.

That's what I want for this year.  Those are my goals.  What are yours?


Reflections On Turning 29:
Simple and sweet -
I like getting older, and I'm pretty darn excited about being 30 next year.
I don't miss being a '20-something' even though I technically still am one.
I feel pretty good about where I am for my age. 
I feel like I should be much, much older and yet I still feel very young all at the same time. 
I like me, where I am, right now, and I'm happy to be here.

And that, friends, are my reflections on being 29, being a mom for a whole year, and moving into the new year of 2014.

Hope you all have a fantastic year as well.

~Emmie~