So I'm sitting here in my bed coming to a profound conclusion. It's big and I'm afraid of it.
But I'm getting there. It's a long and complicated story - wandering through this will probably be a train wreck for everyone but me because it's just a rambling series of thoughts. But that's that.
I've always been a casual over stylish type of person. I enjoy getting all fancy once in a while for a night out or a chic event and I put on a skirt or casual dress for church but in reality I''ll choose yoga pants and an old t shirt every damn time.
I think I have ok self image. Not great but not bad. I also think I'm pretty good at seeing my flaws and weaknesses, acknowledging them, and moving on. I'm also good at seeing my talents and my gifts, acknowledging them, and using them in my life. I don't hate myself, but I probably could love myself a little more. I find myself sometimes anxious when my husband looks at me naked because he usually has one of those looks on his face that tells me he thinks I'm sexy and I think I find that bothersome because I don't think I should be sexy. I do however know that I have some good looking features and I like that about myself.
So...again...
Tonight I'm sitting in my bed and I'm thinking. Thinking about how I spent a day doing something I did not particularly enjoy (car show with the husband) because I wanted our family to do something my husband was excited about. I supported him and I felt good about it.
He's an amazing guy and he knew that I went for him and for no other reason. So after the car show, he took me to the mall to buy me the denim jacket I've been wanting forever.
I got to shop. Not forever, and not without budget, but I got to shop for me and for me alone. I got to pick out what I wanted. I even got two shirts too.
We did get some things for my husband and looked at things for our daughter, but only after I'd picked out and paid for what I wanted to get.
That was an amazing feeling.
And that feeling set off something inside of me. Something I've been feeling brewing within me for a while but wasn't really gonna put out there.
See, that whole yoga pants and old tshirt thing was starting to get to me. In truth, I don't mind wearing things like that because I don't care what people think of me. I don't care if they think I'm a slob or lazy or if I don't take good care of myself. They're comfy and I don't worry about whether I get soaked during my daughter's bath time or if I get covered in whichever mess comes with having an active toddler.
But then....
But then there's the realization that I found myself wanting to pick out shirts that were NOT old t-shirts. And wanting to find some jean shorts. And wondering which of my pre baby clothes I might fit into. And I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, I did care.
Not about what people thought of me, but what I thought of me.
I'm sitting here on my bed thinking and I'm astounded at what I am thinking. I went shopping for something I wanted. I came home. I dyed my hair. I gave myself a pedicure. And I started a new book.
I am thinking that I can't even remember the last time I took care of myself like this.
And I don't want to be a gym shorts wearing, messy looking, tired feeling person anymore.
I'm not saying I'm going to start wearing makeup everyday. Ha! Yeah, right. I won't. And I'm not saying suddenly I'm going to be a fashionista because I'm so clueless when it comes to putting together cute looks. And honestly there are still lots of messes and goo and splashes of water in my future. But maybe when I go to the mall I'll buy shirts that are nice, fitted t-shirts in bright and happy colours instead of whatever navy standard issue men's shirt I was given from whatever event I was in. (Like I did today!) And maybe I'll look into treating myself more often.
I'm usually so exhausted that at the end of the day, my equally (or more) exhausted husband and I just watch tv. And that's fine. It's entertaining and takes the edge off the day. But when you do the same thing all the time it's not a treat anymore. It's not special. It's just... The same.
I'm realizing I want to be a little different. A little more cared for. By me, by others. And I'm gonna open myself up to it. I'm gonna love that my husband finds me sexy. And I'm gonna celebrate me. And I'm gonna love me. And let others do the same.
I'm gonna let myself feel worth more.
Don't get me wrong - I'm still a jeans and t shirt kinda gal. But maybe they'll be cute jeans and a nice t shirt. And I'm not saying that we have to look a certain way to be happy, or anything. I'm just saying that for me, I want to invest a little more in me.
It's scary because I'm breaking a little away from me. From the me I knew. And it's profound because this was never going to happen to me or be me. I was never going to be that girl. And here I am.
I firmly believe that we change - a lot - in our lifetimes. That God does all sorts of stuff with us and through us and to us and we become all sorts of versions of us over the years.
So I guess this is just the next version of me. Emmie 4.0 or whatever.
It's gonna take some time to get used to it and not everyone will like it. Maybe not even me at first. Everyone freaks out when Facebook changes... Imagine when your one friend you could always depend on to look worse than you shows up looking nice once? The world might end!
But there you have it. The crazy ramblings of my brain. I'm gonna be a little more of the new me. And I'm gonna start now.
I painted my toes light pink. :)
~Emmie
